Inject Straight Into the Heart and Take Two Asprin in the Morning

Writing helps me cope with the breakup :]

I don't have a title yet.

It was a bleak Tuesday morning
The day Fate moved in.
He smiled politely and carried his own bags
But not before assessing my outfit
And telling me my hair looked nice.
I felt like that was the moment
My life ended.

Wednesday afternoon I came home
To find my door slightly open.
When I walked in, Fate was relaxing on my bed
All of his belongings sprawled out.
He smiled and said
"I hope you don't mind
But
The door was open.
So I made myself at home."
Of course I don't mind.

Fate snores and takes up three fourths of the bed.
He also makes me feed him and run his bath water
But I'm afraid to say no to him;
To make him angry
And when he smiles,
I can't say no anyway.
He's charming and handsome.
Fate's not stupid.
He knows what he's doing.

"Fate," I say one day
As we sit outside on the bench.
"Salem," he answers.
"Fate," I repeat, "I think you should move out."
He laughed.
And laughed.
And laughed.
"What?" I ask, blushing.
"I really enjoy it when you try to boss me around
But you and I can't change the way this is
Going to end."
He's right.
And I hate it.

When Fate cries, I cry.
So we sit there on Friday night
Holding each other and crying.
"Salem," he sobs, almost incoherent, "please don't let this happen."
"I can't help it. I'm trying." I sniffle. "It hurts."
"Salem," he looks at me, silencing his hiccups. "I don't want you to hurt anymore."
He takes a deep breath and
Puts his brave face on.
Wiping my tears with his thumb,
He uses his other hand to push my hair out of my face.
I smile a little.
Thank you, Fate.

The day Fate leaves
I straighten his bow tie and dust off his jacket.
He beams in return and thanks me for his stay.
He asks to visit sometime and I shake my head "no"
But I say "Of course! You're always welcome!"
I'm lying to the both of us.
But I couldn't keep him away
Even if I wanted.
He walks down the stairs and I don't bother to watch him
Disappear from view.
Instead I go to my room and get it ready for
Choice.
Now she's the one I have to worry about.

-Salem

Almost Doesn't Count

I almost called my guidance counselor an unprofessional worn out whore who wasted money on learning something she's not even good at. Instead I smiled and graciously accepted her criticism.

I almost called her to see if she was okay because things were bad when we last talked. I convinced myself her number changed or that she was at a party.

I almost kept my eating disorder a secret. Too bad I couldn't take the fatigue anymore.

I almost decided to get into drugs with a friend of mine. I decided I'm too strong for that.

I almost told him how much I loved him. I didn't because it'd hurt my best friend.


I almost studied for all my tests but I went to sleep. I promised myself I'd get up early to study; I didn't.

I almost called my grandmother since we haven't talked in about a year. But I waved it off deciding that she'd be too busy to talk.

I almost told him how much he meant to me- especially after what happened in Florida. I was afraid he didn't feel the same way or that I'd scare him off so I kept my mouth closed.

I almost killed myself that night. Too bad I didn't want it more than I was afraid of it.

I almost had sex with him that night in his car. I was too afraid of not being considered innocent anymore so I begged him to take me home.

I almost told him I loved him back. I was really scared that he was only saying it to say it so I just blushed and looked away.

I almost yelled at her for being stupid and selfish and for dwelling on the past. I then realized that we're just alike.

I almost decided to call him and tell him how much I hate him. I'll just wait for him to come around and kick him when he's down.

I almost bummed it out at school and didn't bother putting makeup on and instead of my usual dress, I was going to wear sweat pants and a hoodie the day after he dumped me. I woke up extra early to get ready; I didn't want him to know he affected me that much.

I almost convinced myself that it wasn't so bad and no one's at fault. I can't give him the benefit of the doubt; it's always going to hurt.

I almost felt sorry for myself. But then I realized that I'm only a victim if I allow myself to be.

He almost convinced me that I wasn't pretty or good enough for his company. My ego tells me it's the exact opposite.

I still can't stop crying.

-Salem

Yeah, we will transcend the insignificance of our existence.

July 3rd, 2009
[11:09 am]

Rocko was the best friend I ever had.

June 29th, 2009
[10:48 pm]

What's it called when you're bald and have hair at the same time? Extreme mullet!
I like boys that keep neat ipods.

June 26th, 2009
[6:58 pm]

Pussy kills.

June 10th, 2009
[6:51 pm]

Africans are just hungry because they're too pissed off at flies to eat or grow things.
Megan : visionary.

June 5th, 2009
[10:15 pm]

Being a fish would be boring unless you lived in the ocean.

June 3rd, 2009
[5:18 pm]

Deja vu probably stems from the fact that at some point in your life, you will discover time travel.

May 12th, 2009
[2:49 pm]

You really are what you eat.

May 6th,2009
[7:53 pm]

The power of empathy is a most powerful tool.

May 4th, 2009
[12:04 am]

Sharing a memory with someone is just a way of checking the status of your past knowledge with that of the world.

April 30th, 2009
[9:25 pm]

I only think that I find meaning in the whirring of a ceiling fan.

April 26th, 2009
[4:50 am]

Musicians are like politicians of their realm.

April 16th, 2009
[8:06 pm]

Is that him ahead of us? Well, I see a head in that car, so that has to be him. Oh yeah! He does have a head! It must be him!
I love beanie weenies. (I love beanie weenies.)

April 11th, 2009
[2:55 am]

Rain that ends a drought just seems a little too convenient.

April 9th, 2009
[1:58 am]

Circles tend to break into a curve, a stick, and a cluster. It leaves you thinking about whether or not this is all just a worldwide placebo effect. What if we're the lemurs of our species? Avoiding fulfillment until it either catches up to us or passes us by completely. "Your mind is like a rubik's cube." Well, I'm a rubik's cube in a sea of text books.
You can be best friends with cats or plants. It's normal.

April 4th, 2009
[6:14 pm]

If that cigarette that you just threw from my car were to ignite some tanks in the back of a truck and all of the cars behind you were to explode, one by one, would you tell the police what you did? I think they'd understand if you took off because cars were exploding, but would you take the blame? Or would you just be an innocent civilian who didn't know what happened. All you know is that a lot of cars exploded and you shouldn't be charged with the murders of all of those people.

April 2nd, 2009
[11:12 pm]

Food going into people is strange.
Will the human race be around when the sun goes out? When a species or a generation dies out, does it actually disappear? Or does it go back to what it originally came from and just try again in another form? The dinosaurs and the chicken have a common ancestor, so could that mean that when the dinosaurs died out, that common ancestor just went back to the drawing board and came up with the chicken? Dinosaurs fail, so we go back to that common ancestor for another idea. Chicken is created and it is successful. Why wouldn't the same thing happen with humans?

March 20th, 2009
[8:47 pm]

Do you ever think about what other people are thinking? Or what they would be thinking if you could think for them?

March 8th, 2009
[12:31 am]

In Super Smash Bros., the Ice Climbers are sexist. When in battle, if the girl dies, the boy is still allowed to continue fighting. If the boy dies and the girl is still in battle, she simply disappears. This drives Ashley insane.

March 2nd, 2009
[11:58 pm]

There's another world that's just a level above the world that the masses live in. When you're there, don't try to leave it. You can't leave it because you're there. Would you stay forever if you could? Some would. This is why they are denounced from this world. Maybe this other world's forever is different from our forever. Would you care to find out? If so, are you courageous..or a coward?

March 2nd, 2009
[11:44 pm]

It's all about perception and conflicting images. No one really changes. Your perception of a person only changes. They are as they have always been. I know things about you that your parents don't know about you. Your parents know things about you that your lover doesn't know about you. You are a different you to each person that you encounter throughout your life. You do not change, but the people in your life break through to each others perception of you and form a different you. Like shifting panels of personality. Add them and move them around to make a new person, but don't take them away. You are as you always have been.

November 24th, 2008
[11:24 pm]

It's a divorce of reality and joint custody of what could be. There's a million of you out there, and a billion of me. Same misadventures. Same faces. Different time.

Kettle Corn Crusades

So, if I'm not a fail, I really don't know who is.

My friends have all caused me to evaluate myself these past couple of weeks- a few mishaps in our friendship.

And I've realized these things;

1) I prefer the company of males.

2) My trust issues suck.

3) Everyone thinks they have to hold my attention at all times and if I show little interest, they think I hate them.

4) When it comes to getting friendships back to normal, I fail at that.

5) Guys are harder to relate to than most girls.

I'm still working on that list but I've got to say, "Something's rotten in the state of Denmark."

Not that I live in Denmark but I think it's pretty much the same concept.

I'm not really sure why I'm choosing to post this random information. All I know is that I procrastinating when it comes to studying for my test in APLit. Yeah, I'm a jerk so I had to throw the AP title on there.

Laura, I have a poster, a bag, and a t-shirt with the same picture of Kurt Cobain on them. I seriously considered sending you the bag and then I realized you probably wouldn't carry it. You're too cool to tote around sell-out merch.

-Salem

She Pays Someone To Think For Her

I quit my job yesterday because I don't want to end up like all the 30 year olds there. I have three jobs lined up and filled but I don't know which one I'll really commit to. I could work all three but that seems suicidal.

I'm supposed to read Hamlet for my AP Lit class but I think if I have to analyze that play one more time I'll turn into Shakespeare himself.

This isn't really an update but everyone else is ahead of the times.

So there you have it.

-Salem

Son

I wish I had something fascinating to update you guys with. But I don't.

The pressures of college are already weighing in and I haven't even graduated yet! But I do have my schedule and I'm not particularly looking forward to it.

1st Semester:
Psychology
AP Lit
Government/Econ
ROTC

2nd Semester:
AP Language
Problem and statistics
French 4H
Physics

:[ and I still haven't decided on what I want to go to college for. The most rational (and highly liked by my parents) is to study health sciene and pre med. But as much as I like helping people and knowing I'd be better off in reality with this job, my heart's just not in it. I still want to do something like interior design, fashion, architecture, or mechanics.

At least I'm progressing in the fact that I've narrowed my college choices down to about four.

Er..I'm going to get a haircut soon. New school year and what not. I might put more layers in the back. I'd layer the front some more but it's already kind of short.

Did I mention I'm getting nowhere in the car department?

-Salem

First Class Winner

I think it's so abstract that something life altering always happens to me between posts. I suppose what's happened to me is life altering; if only it alters my life and not those around me. I have no reason to dwell on this fact nor should I post this on blogger. I think this mainly because witty comments will be made (or no comments at all) about something that is important to me but I just think I need to write this one out.

I will be a senior this upcoming year and I have taken one good friend on the ride that is highschool with me. He's been there for me since day one my freshman year, even when I spontaneously introduced myself and asked him to pass a note for me only to get him in trouble. But we've been through a lot together both helping when the other had suicidal depression or just couldn't decide what to wear to formal events.

And when I first met this boy, I couldn't help but think he was the most unattractive male I'd ever laid eyes on- although my friends boldy disagreed. I only saw him as someone I could call at three in the morning and sit on the bank of the lake with in silence.

We were the kind of friends who could go a week or a month without talking and then out of the blue start a conversation and not ask "why?" but just accept it.

He is my other half.

And recently I've developed a sort of love(;•a strong positive emotion of regard and affection) for him. It's hard for me to sort out if this is an infatuated love or merely a love one has for family. It's quite difficult to place this emotion with my lack of knowledge in the department and my teenage hormones.

As fickel as the topic may be, everyone was convinced that we were going to get married and anyone that knew him said he was devoted and in love with me. But I didn't believe them for they weren't words that were uttered from his mouth. A small part of me did believe them though, as a small part of anyone who wishes to be loved would believe.

It was a night or two ago that he returned home from a mission trip with his church. He'd been out of the country for two weeks and immediatly alerted me when he was back.

This is when I witnessed what is making me write all of this now.

We hangout every Friday and talk for a good 2 or 3 hours on the phone whenever I call him. And he told me he had to go at 10 and he couldn't hangout with us this Friday. Immediatly, I assumed it was a girl and asked him. He told me that he might have a girlfriend after he called her at 10. Naturally, I was happy for him for he deserves only the best in happiness.

He told me to call him back for the verdict and so I did at 11:30. He was ecstatic for this girl that he'd liked for over a year decided to be his girlfriend.

Naturally, I did what any human with the slightest of emotions would do and gave myself time to grieve.

After I finished cheering him on, we hung up and I spent 30 minutes crying. And the next hour laying in bed, begging sleep to fall upon me so I wouldn't have to think anymore.

Then the following two hours I thought about it and reasoned with myself and decided that if I could still have his friendship then it wasn't so bad.

I used the past tense on most of this because everyone knows how it goes in highschool. There are a select few who can balance out their friends with their significant other. And from what I've learned, highschool boys aren't grouped in with those few.

But I'd like to believe he's different. Because he is. But no matter how different, he's still human and excited about this new blooming romance.

I document serious events like this sometimes so I can look back on myself and see how silly I was.

-Salem